I am taking a little Internet hiatus for Christmas, and I’m bringing these Hanky Pankies with me. Hanky Pankies are a major tradition in my extended family. They are a right of passage. My grandparents brought Hanky Pankies with them to every party, gathering, birthday, wedding, baptism, Christmas, birth, Yom Kippur, Groundhog Day, funeral, etc. I wouldn’t be surprised if Grandma carried them in her purse. Emergency back-up. They are a fabulous party food, and the name is a conversation piece in itself. In fact, if you google “hanky panky,” you’ll find everything from a 1982 film starring Gene Wilder to lacy underwear. Should I be concerned?
Hanky Pankies
The recipe below is a healthier alternative, although a pound of cheese isn’t necessarily what I would call diet food. My grandparents typically used beef and Italian sausage and my grandma always added a little garlic and onion. Since I add garlic and onion to everything including ice cream, I decided to omit.
- 1 lb. turkey sausage
- 1 lb. ground turkey
- 1 lb. Velveeta cheese
- Rye cocktail bread
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. In a large skillet, sauté the sausage and turkey until it’s brown. Add the cheese until it melts. Spread the mixture on cocktail bread. Bake in the oven for 10-15 minutes. Cut the squares into triangles. Serve.
Make Ahead: They are actually better if you freeze them before serving. Instead of baking right away, let them cool, store them in a container and freeze them. When you’re ready to serve, bake them in the oven at 350 degrees for about 10-15 minutes. Cut into triangles.
And you do the hanky panky and you turn yourself around ... that's what it's all about!
You know what really irks me? The lack of “thank you” signal usage when driving. If I let you into my lane, I expect a gentle wave, a twittering of the headlights, a salute, a Christmas ham, SOMETHING that acknowledges my generosity. Yet, it’s always nothing. Such a crazy world we live in. No nod, no wave, no flashing of the headlights, no tap on the horn, no salute, no ham, nothing. Whatever happened to Southern hospitality?
I’m bringin’ it back. Next time I get that very warranted “thank you,” I’m chucking this blueberry-orange bread loaf at your car. Let’s consider it paying it forward via blueberries, orange-flavored, vanilla breakfast bread. I will be like the paper lady, yet delivering succulent bread to all those who deserve it. So, keep your windows open, give me the thank you gesture, and the favor will be returned. Oh yes, it will be returned. Blueberry-orange bread for everyone.
Blueberry-Orange Bread
Last time I was visiting the family, I came across an old notebook of my mom’s with recipes. I’m not sure if she contrived this on her own or if she found it somewhere else, but it’s good. Good enough to thank someone for saying thank you.
- 2 tablespoons of butter
- ¼ cup of boiling water
- 4 teaspoons of grated orange rind
- 2/3 cup orange juice
- 1 egg
- 1 cup of sugar
- 2 cups of sifted flour
- 1 ½ teaspoon of baking powder
- ¼ teaspoon of baking soda
- ½ teaspoon of salt
- 1 cup of fresh blueberries
- 2 tablespoons of honey
Melt butter in boiling water in small bowl. Add orange juice and three teaspoons of rind. In a separate bowl, beat egg with sugar until light and fluffy. Add sifted dry ingredients alternately with orange liquid, beating until smooth. Fold in berries. Bake in greased loaf pan at 350 degrees for about 70 minutes. Turn out on rack or tray. Mix honey and remaining 2 tablespoons of orange juice and 1 teaspoon of rind. Spoon over hot loaf. Let stand until cold.
A great bread for the holidays
Orange you glad I baked this bread?
To: Owners of those Fancy Schmancy KitchenAid Mixers:
You’re cheating. You want to know why? Because you don’t know what it’s like to cry over spilt milk. You don’t know the sweat it takes to alternate the dry ingredients with one hand, mixing a handheld with the other, and scraping the sides of the bowl with your non-existent third arm. You don’t know what it’s like. Oh, the anguish. The tears. The defeat.
I’m going to ransack your house and steal your KitchenAid Mixer. I run fast for food. Watch out. With your amazing mixer, my Red Pink Velvet Cupcakes will tromp your Italian Cream Cake. They’re going to fight, and I will dominate. Victory is mine. Respectfully, Evie
Confession: I think this is the first time I have ever made cupcakes. Naturally, I chose a pretty difficult recipe, and did I mention they’re pink?
Red Pink Velvet Cupcakes with Cream Cheese Frosting
Yet another recipe from the Cooking in the South cookbook. Her desserts are a-mazing, and her red velvet cupcakes aren’t pink. She probably has one of those KitchenAid mixers. In the infamous words of Mr. Dynamite himself … Lucky.
- 2 ½ cups of all-purpose flour
- 1 teaspoon baking soda
- 1 teaspoon cocoa powder
- 1 ½ cups vegetable oil
- 1 ½ cups sugar
- 3 large eggs
- 1 teaspoon of white vinegar
- 2 teaspoons of vanilla extract
- 1 ounce red food coloring
- 1 cup buttermilk
- Cream Cheese Frosting
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Place 24 paper cupcake liners in the cupcake pan. In a medium bowl, sift the flour, baking soda and cocoa powder. In a large bowl, combine the oil, eggs and sugar, mixing well until thoroughly combined. In a small bowl, mix the vinegar, vanilla and red food coloring. Add to the oil mixture, blending well. Add the flour mixture with the oil mixture in three stages alternating with the buttermilk and beginning and ending with dry ingredients. Pour equal amounts of batter into the cupcake liners. Bake for 22-24 minutes. Take out of the oven and let it cool for about 20 minutes. Ice with the cream cheese frosting.
My cupcake runneth over
It's cake-tastic.
Our Fourth Annual Christmas party is in t-minus seven days. To prepare for the gluttony that is this celebration, we have been trying out recipes i.e. I’ve been cooking, the ‘puter Hub has been testing, and D-money has gone Dyson on the floor. Good, dog!
We have brought you the Spicy Cheese Straws, a staple at every Holida-tion (That’s Holiday+Celebration). Here’s another party favorite that’s easily popped into your mouth without the juggling of the whole shake hands, hug, hold plate, sip drink, try to eat, while talking fiasco. The ‘puter Hub dominates in food-mingling-beverage-juggling. It’s impressive. Lucky for me, I can graze off his plate.
Slap a cone on my head and call me a dunce. There’s usually more food on my holiday sweater than in my mouth. Furthermore, my drink spills, so some over-served meathead yells “party foul.” And, it’s all over from there. I totally failed the food-mingling-beverage-juggling class.
For all of you other food-mingling-beverage-juggling failures out there, try these Pork-Chicken Sausage Meatballs with Tsatziki Sauce. You can easily pick them up, dip them in the sauce and pop them in your mouth. The ground pork pairs well the garlicky, lemon-esque tsatziki. The flavor truly wowed me. Yes, I thought they were going to be a total bomb. You can also serve the tsatziki with mini pitas as mentioned below.
Pork and Chicken Sausage Meatballs
- 1 lb of ground pork
- 8 ounces of chicken sausage
- ¼ cup of chopped onion
- 1 chopped garlic clove
- 1 egg
- 2 tablespoons of Worcestershire sauce
- 1 tablespoon of soy sauce
- Salt and pepper
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Beat egg lightly. Add all ingredients into a large bowl. Using your hands, mix the ingredients together. Roll into 1/2-inch balls. Line them on a cookie sheet and bake for 30 minutes.
pre-cooked meatballs
Serve with spaghetti and tomato sauce or serve as an appetizer with Greek tsatziki sauce
Tsatziki Sauce
This recipe comes from the How to Roast a Lamb cookbook by Michael Psilakis. He owns Kefi, one of the restaurants we rendezvoused to in New York City. If you’re looking for a simpler version of tsatziki sauce, check out this piece de resistance. You spell tzatziki, I say tsatziki.
Makes ½ a quart
- ½ peeled cucumber
- 4 cloves of garlic, finely chopped
- ½ cup of distilled white vinegar
- ¼ cup of white onion chopped
- ¼ cup of dill
- 1¼ cup of Greek yogurt (Michael recommends GOOD Greek yogurt; not sure what that means)
- 1 tablespoon of extra virgin olive oil
- 2 teaspoons of grated lemon grind
- Salt and pepper
Quarter the cucumber length wise to trim off the wedge of seeds. Cut into very small squares. Transfer to a mixing bowl. Add all of the ingredients to the bowl and stir. Serve with pita slices, Trader Joe’s mini-pitas (see photo) or pork-chicken sausage meatballs.
A fabulous hit at parties with mini pitas or with the pork-chicken sausage meatballs
fat face syndrome [fāt feys sin-drohm] noun, adjective, verb
- Occurs when multiple chins swallow a person’s face in pictures. Especially common when wearing turtlenecks, upon gaining a few pounds, in the pale winter months, and if your name is Evelyn.
- A group of chins that engulfs a face.
Usage in a sentence
Noun – Hey, remember when you had chronic fat face syndrome during college after you gained 30 pounds?
Adjective – Don’t go all fat face syndrome on me during my wedding!
Verb – She totally just fat face syndromed that picture.
Common side effects of fat face syndrome include excessive remarks such as “Whoa! She gained a few pounds,” “Free Willyyyyy,” “Is she preg-o?” or “Yo’ sista’ so fat, she swallowed a penny and out popped the Lincoln Memorial!”
To treat fat face syndrome, eat your green veggies even if they are disguised in a buttery, cheesy gratin. They’re still packed with nutrition, and they make a great side dish for the holidays. Plus, broccoli has such a beautiful crisp green color. It’s like eating a gorgeous tree, trunks detached. Who could resist?
Broccoli Au Gratin
- Two big broccoli heads cut into florets
- 4 tablespoons of unsalted butter
- 4 tablespoons of flour
- ¼ cup of milk
- ¼ cup of cheddar cheese
- 1 teaspoon nutmeg
- 1 teaspoon of paprika
- 1 teaspoon of dry mustard
- 2 tablespoons of panko bread crumbs
- 2 tablespoons of parmesan cheese
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Boil broccoli for about 3-4 minutes, and transfer to a bowl of ice cold water. This technique helps to keep its color.
In a saucepan, melt butter. Add flour and whisk until it forms a paste. Add milk. Stir until the sauce is thick to the point that it covers the back of a spoon. Take off of the burner and add ¼ cup of cheddar cheese. Stir. Place broccoli into a casserole dish. Coat with sauce and fold in the broccoli. Top with parmesan cheese and bread crumbs. Bake for 30 minutes.
Say GOODBYE to Fat Face Syndrome forever!
Who wouldn't want to eat broccoli this way?
Baby, it’s cold outside. The weather in the Carolinas has been unseasonably frigid these past few days. I’m ready to hightail it to the Carribean stat. Yes, Alonso, I’ll have the Strawberry Piña Colada. Keep ‘em comin’!
The Holiday season gives the cold somewhat of a reprieve. The gift giving, eating, drinking, cooking, parties, family time, eating and mingling lifts my spirits. However, upon January 2, death becomes me. I loathe January and February. Call me a bear and put me into hibernation.
In preparation for my hibernation, I made spicy cheese straws. Because you can’t crawl into a cave for two months without the comfort of some cheese. These spicy little doodads will keep you warm on a cold winter’s night. They will be your big spoon while you’re the little one. They will hold hands with you in a field of poppies frolicking to Barry Manilow. They are your Dylan, and you are their Brenda Kelly.
Adapted from Southern Living’s Cheese Straw recipe, I serve these like an Ultimate Fighting Champion … with an extra kick.
Spicy Cheese Straws
- 1 ½ cups of shredded cheddar cheese
- ¾ cup of all-purpose flour
- ¼ cup of unsalted butter (cut into 4 pieces, softened)
- ½ teaspoon of salt
- ½ teaspoon of crushed red pepper
- 1 tablespoon of half and half
- 1 tablespoon of Frank’s Red Hot Sauce
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Combine first five ingredients in a food processor. Pulse until mixture resembles course crumbles. Add half and half and hot sauce while pulsing. Process until dough forms.
Using a cookie press and the wafer cut-out, place dough in cookie press. Line on cookie sheet about one inch apart. Bake at 350 degrees for 15 minutes until ends are slightly brown. Let it cool on a wire rack for 20-30 minutes afterwards.
Note: If you don’t have a cookie press, you can roll dough to 1/8-inch thickness. Cut with a 1½ inch round cutter. Place on ungreased cookie sheets and bake.
Pairs well with cocktails
- Impress your guests with homemade cheese straws
Inspired by the ‘puter Hub and our days [years] of dating, he used this cocktail to liquor me up and take advantage of me. Did it work? I suppose, because he’s stuck, for better or for worse. While he typically served it in a plastic solo cup over ice, I decided to glamorize it into this classy martini. Because Malibu Barbie would totally drink out of an elegant martini glass. Ken wouldn’t have it any other way.
Malibu Martini
- 1 oz. coconut rum
- 1 oz. rum
- 1 oz. orange juice
- 1 oz. cranberry juice
- 1 teaspoon of triple sec
- 1 teaspoon of Rose’s of lime juice
- Slice of lime for garnish
In a martini shaker, combine all of the ingredients over ice. Shake it like a Polaroid picture. Pour into a martini glass. Gulp down like there’s no tomorrow. Take a jaunt in your red Ferrari, a swim in your pink and blue pool, then head over to the dream house for a brief nap. Change your outfits 20+ times because you can. Go to the Soda Shop with your BFF, Skipper.
love potion number nine
You all know about my alleged love affair with cheese. Yes, we’re in love, and the ‘puter Hub is just fine with it. However, if I were going to cheat on cheese, I would totally choose prosciutto. It’s like the Italian James Bond of bacon. It shakes up martinis in an Aston Martin while I taunt him in my sequin dress (size triple zero), high heels and diamonds. Then, it serves me pizza. Oh, hello, Mr. Bond prosciutto. It’s total food porn. Shaken, not stirred.
We eat pizza once a week. Whether it’s from the freezer, our favorite four pizza joints, or made by hand, the ‘puter Hub loves his pizza pie. After attempting to cook the Trader Joe’s pizza dough twice now, we have achieved defeat. The directions on the package will leave you with soft, soggy dough. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. Follow these directions. We know what we’re doing. At least, we’d like to think so.
Prosciutto and Mushroom Wheat Pizza Topped with Arugula
- Wheat pizza dough from Trader Joe’s
- ¼ cup of olive oil
- 2 teaspoons of basil
- 2 teaspoons of oregano
- 2 teaspoons of garlic
- ½ cup of baby bella mushrooms
- 6-7 slices of prosciutto sliced into 1 inch squares
- 1½ cups of mozzarella cheese
- ¼ cup of goat cheese
- A handful of arugula
Preheat oven to 450 degrees. If you have a pizza stone, go ahead and heat it up while you preheat the oven. Coat the pizza dough with flour. Using a rolling pin, roll the pizza until it’s about 12-inches in diameter. In a separate bowl, add the olive oil and seasonings. Stir.
Roll the dough onto the heated pizza stone. Careful, it’s hot. Stir. Brush the olive oil and seasoning mixture onto the pizza dough. Cook the pizza dough in the oven for 10-15 minutes.
Pizza Prep
While the dough cooks, sauté the mushrooms on medium-high. When the dough has cooked for 5-10 minutes, take it out of the oven and add the pizza toppings – mushrooms, prosciutto and cheeses.
Saute the mushrooms while the dough bakes
Place pizza in oven and bake for another 15-30 minutes until the cheese and dough are slightly brown on the edges. Add arugula. Eat.
Add the arugula once it's cooked
Get in my belly
Dear Mr. Woods:
What gives? Didn’t your parents ever tell you that nothing good happens after midnight? Tisk, tisk. Did you pull a John Daly on us? I know, I know. No alcohol was involved. Were you sex-ting with the mistress? Oops, my bad, Ms. Melbourne denied that affair. Did you overdo it with the pain meds? I understand it’s painful being a gazallionaire and all, but that Surgeon General really knows her stuff. Trust. Was the wifey driving while you were smashing mail boxes with your pitching wedge? The head on the wedge makes for an excellent mailbox destruction mechanism. Were you driving from the backseat with your golf club again? You know that 5-iron makes a terrible driver.
Oh, I got it. You were so mystified by this amazingly healthy bean soup that you just couldn’t contain yourself. You loved it so much that you decided to chant … “Beans, beans, they’re good for your heart. The more you eat them, the more you … ” Giddily, you got more excited than a school boy over that last line that you swerved and hit the tree. That must be it. There, I solved the mystery. Hand me this snack and call me Scooby.
Combining the harder shell of black beans with soft cannellini beans, this soup is very rich in texture. Its creamy base from the flour and half and half make it a hearty soup for a cold day. Tiger approves.
Southwestern Three Bean Soup
- 2 tablespoons of olive oil
- 2 tablespoons of butter
- ½ large chopped yellow onion
- 1 chopped bell pepper
- 1 clove of garlic
- Handful of flour
- 1 bay leaf
- 2 cups of low sodium chicken broth
- 16 oz. can of tomatoes
- 16 oz. can of pinto beans
- 16 oz. can of black beans
- 16 oz. can of cannellini beans
- ¼ cup of half and half
- 2 tablespoons of chili powder
- 3 whole cloves
- 2 teaspoons of cumin
- Salt and pepper
- ¼ cup of fresh cilantro
In a large Dutch oven or soup pot, melt butter and olive oil. Sauté the onions, pepper and garlic. Add flour, bay leaf, tomatoes and about a cup of the chicken broth. Strain the beans in a large colander, and add to the soup. Pour the half and half into the soup. Stir. Add the seasonings and let it simmer for about 15-20 minutes. When you’re ready to serve, add cilantro. Indulge with sour cream and/or cheddar cheese.
Beans are rich in protein and fiber.
To really add some fire, add a chipotle pepper in adobo sauce.
In the spirit of Thanksgiving, my family has a tradition where we all take turns around the table and say what we’re thankful for. Since we’d rather eat our feelings than communicate them, there is usually a lot of pre-boozing involved before the big reveal. So, without further ado, I present the 10 things I’m most thankful for this Thanksgiving:
- Spanx: Thanks to your advanced fiber technology, I’ll be able to relinquish five pounds otherwise gained from turkey, potatoes, more potatoes, booze, cheesecake, and repeat. Granted, my organs will feel like 30 people stuffed in a Volkswagen bug but beauty is painful.
- The tool trying to talk on his BlackBerry in the 40th story elevator: Because douche-bags make the world go round. See Spencer Pratt, Heidi Montag (females can be tools, too), Kanye West, Kim from Real Housewives of Atlanta, etc.
- Air vents in bathrooms: The cure all to stage fright.
- The person that invented the Snuggie: If only, they came with feet. Cue dude dancing on couch in latest Snuggie commercial. Because everyone should do the “wave” at the soccer game wearing a Snuggie.
- Jorts: Hey, where did you get those jeans? But wait, they’re cut off at the knee? Wow, I love it how they cuff right at the thigh to show off that extra bulge of fat on your leg. Your butt looks really flattering in them. I like it how it looks bigger. What do you call those? Jorts? A total revelation in fashion! What will they think of next? Pairs well with mullets.
- Gabby, my Garmin: I’m forever lost without you. I love when I go in the wrong direction, you get pissed, and “recalculate.” I also love that I can change your voice to Archibald the British lad, Tony the Italian, Bubba the redneck, and Helga the Dutch princess.
- D-Money: Who could resist that face? Despite the hundreds of dollars you’ve cost me in the past year, you’re one heckuva pooch.
- My family: Because like the Chang and Eng siamese twins, you’re stuck with me.
- The ‘puter Hub: For making my lunch and dropping me off at work every day. Yes, I just turned 12.
- Cheese: You light up my life. You put the ying in my yang. You are my cup runneth over. You had me at hello. You make me want to be a better WOman. You lift me up where I belong. You are so beautiful. I love that you get cold when it is 71 degrees out. I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich. I love that you get a little crinkle in your nose when you’re looking at me like I’m nuts. I love that after I spend day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes. And I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night. And it’s not because I’m lonely, and it’s not because it’s [Thanksgiving]. I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible. And, most of all you make for a really fabulous cake. Pairs well with Thanksgiving.
Bourbon Pumpkin Cheesecake with a Ginger Snap Crust
I combined several pumpkin cheesecake recipes and techniques that I found on FoodNetwork.com–Paula Deen and Down Home with the Neelys–as well as Recipes.com. Oh Paula, ham is such a flattering color on you! Ham is so hot right now.
Crust
- 2 cups of ginger snap crumbs
- 2 tablespoons of brown sugar
- 1 stick of melted unsalted butter
Filling
- 3 8-ounce packages of cream cheese
- 1 15-ounce can of pumpkin
- 3 eggs plus 1 egg yolk
- ¼ cup of sour cream
- ½ cup of brown sugar
- 1 cup of sugar
- 1 teaspoon of cinnamon
- ½ teaspoon of nutmeg
- 2 tablespoons of bourbon (add a cup if you choose to indulge)
- 2 tablespoons of flour
- 1 teaspoon of vanilla extract
- ¼ teaspoon of salt
Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
For crust:
In a medium bowl, combine crumbs and brown sugar. Add butter and stir. Press down flat into a 9-inch springform pan.
ginger snap crust with brown sugar
For filling:
Beat cream cheese until smooth. Add pumpkin and eggs. Beat. Add sour cream and the next seven ingredients. Beat until smooth. Pour into the crust. Bake for an hour on 350 degrees. Let it cool for 15 minutes. Refrigerate.
Note: Ok, advice is definitely appreciated here. I covered the bottom of the springform pan with tin foil in hopes to cook the cheesecake in a steam bath. Of course, I didn’t have a big enough pan, so I just placed the cake in the oven. The butter from the crust dripped down the whole hour and created a lovely burning smell through out the house. Ideas for quick fixes, anyone? Bueller, Bueller?
Note #2: Baking the cake in a steam bath helps deter cracks from forming at the top of the cake.
my cake cracked and so did my dignity
