Pimento Cheese Breakdown
Cheese is the piece de resistance of comfort food, whether you’re putting it in soup, casserole, pasta or gnawing it off the block. I prefer the latter. I like to call the flab of fat over my jeans my little cheese fetus. Chee-tus, if you will. She was consummated the day I learned that everything tastes better with a little dab o’ cheese. That was 20 years ago, and the chee-tus hasn’t stopped growing since.
After bawling my eyes out like Claire Danes during Marley and Me for the second time, I decided we needed a little comfort from my old friend, pimento cheese. Good god, could Claire be an uglier crier? Not that I’m one to talk about ugly criers. My face usually looks like someone beat it with a PVC pipe ten times over after a good sobfest, but Claire Danes more so transforms her entire face. That’s talent.
Here’s the breakdown:
- A block of cheddar cheese (Save ¼ for gnawing)
- About ¼ cup of light mayo (Add just a little mayo at a time. You don’t want your cheese to look like Chester Cheetah’s throw-up.)
- About ¼ cup of Miracle Whip (Again, remember Chester Cheetah, add a little at time.)
- Handful of pimento-stuffed green olives (These would be really good in a martini.)
- Handful of chopped onion
- Handful of pimentos
- Handful of almonds
- 1 teaspoon of cayenne pepper (or more if you like heat, we all know I like some heat!)
- ½ tablespoon of Worcestershire sauce
Shred the block of cheese. Place all of the ingredients in the food processor. Blend. Careful, do not blend too hard or you’ll have be jamming out to a String Cheese Incident on your hands. Taste. Add additional ingredients if needed. Taste. Serve on sandwich bread or crackers. Sob like Claire for the love of cheese.