It’s been an insanely busy past 24 hours. I traveled to Toronto on business to conduct a training class. Yes, I’m that kind of deal. Yet to save on costs, i.e., because they are cheap, the company flew me all over the Eastern U.S. using every airline in existence. Here’s the play-by-play:
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
4:30 pm – Lick the dog and the win-o goodbye and head to the Charlotte airport.
4:45 pm – Arrive at airport, line wrapped around the entire airport like a pregnant blue whale’s intestines. Swear a little to the win-o on my Blackberry.
5:30 pm – De-robe myself and get frisked by security guard that looks like she ate an orangutan. Complain about anal cavities.
6:00 pm – Arrive at gate just in time for boarding, in need of major cocktail.
6:05 pm – Try to stuff suitcase in overhead bin, like stuffing an anorexic turkey. Trek to back of plane, might as well be stowage.
6:10 pm – Attempt to make friends with lady and son who “No hablo ingles.” Lady grabs prayer beads out of bag. Silently say a little prayer, too.
6:15 pm – Baby’s lung pops out on floor of plane from screaming. Contemplate jumping out the Emergency Exit.
6:20 pm – Mother changes baby diaper in back of plane. Smells like a rotten sulfur plant. Gnaw at door to evacuate.
6:45 pm – Gulp down $7 wine and $5 tin of almonds. Curse myself for spending $5 on almonds. Convince myself it is dinner and bulldoze the tin.
8:00 pm – Arrive in Newark.
8:05 pm – Get lost in Newark.
8:30 pm – Searched again at security, this time by a man who’s wearing turban the size of a small child. Ponders how he can hold his head up, must have a really strong neck.
9:00 pm – Board plane and head to Toronto.
12:00 am – Arrive in Toronto. Botch using ‘Eh’ in a conversation with the cab driver. Sing the first two words of the Canadian national anthem.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
6:00 am – Take the day head-on, with a little help from the club, caffeine that is.
7:00 am to 2:00 pm – Totally convince employees that I know what I’m doing.
2:10 pm – Hail cabbie to airport. Driver resembles Walter Matthau at age 147. Say a few Hail Mary’s.
2:25 pm – Snap photos from the back of the cab.
2:45 pm – Get lost in Toronto airport.
3:10 pm – Stand next to 65-year-old couple groping each other in customs line. Swallow throw up from said groping.
3:30 pm – Blinded by glowing, red lights of TGIFridays. Smile because there is time for a pre-flight beverage.
4:00 pm – Board plane a little tipsy. Sit in wrong seat.
4:10 pm – Gawk at flight attendant and passenger fighting. Eat more $5 almonds.
4:45 pm – Fumble with Trident package for piece of gum. Gum catapults out of package and lands in seat next to me as lady leans forward. Attempt to quickly grab gum and fail. Lady sits on gum. Laugh silently. Pop another piece in my mouth.
5:45 pm – Tweet “Holy dirty diapers, Batman, in LaGuardia!”
6:15 pm – Get lost in LaGuardia. Prompt very vocal swearing. Tweet “Thinks LaGuardia is Satan.”
6:20 pm – Receive directions from old man, “Wave down, Bus B.”
6:25 pm – Wave down Bus B. Bus B waves back and drives away. Give him the finger. Plane is boarding.
6:30 pm – Friendly rent-a-car driver offers ride to terminal. Contemplate making out with him for the favor.
6:40 pm – Sweat like a fat man with hyperhidrosis while boarding plane.
6:45 pm – Give up seat for a mother to sit with her child. Pat myself on the back for being so Mother Teresa-like.
6:50 pm – Fat man with hyperhidrosis takes up half my seat. Contort body like a Panini, extra-pressed.
7:10 pm – Receive free beverage from flight attendant for being Mother Teresa. Light from above blinds me.
9:30 pm – Fondle the ground in Charlotte. Get lost in airport and lose luggage.
9:45 pm – Find my luggage and my way.
10:15 pm – Arrive at the golden gates of Bojangle’s near our home. Prompt Hallelujah chorus.
10:20 pm – Make out with the win-o and the dog.
10:30 pm – Pass out from exhaustion.