How to Throw an Impromptu 60th Birthday Party
1. COMMUNICATE. Call, instant message, text, e-mail, Facebook and Evite everyone you know two days prior to the party. Ask them to bring an appetizer to share. There’s no time for paper invites so let the AP NewsWire know you’re having this party come hell or high water.
2. STOCK THE BAR. Order two cases of wine. Suggestions: Clos du Bois Classic Chardonnay, 2007 Sterling Vintner’s Collection Chardonnay, Costco’s Kirkland Brand Marlborough Sauvignon Blanc, Mirassou California Pinot Grigio and Concha y Torro Casillero del Diablo Cabernet Sauvignon. These wines are favorably priced at your local Costco. Tip: Red wine is delicious but can be lethal to light-colored carpets.
Purchase about six cases of beer. Offer a variety for your beer-drinkers like Stella Artois (bananas!), Corona, Yuengling and Miller Lite. Don’t forget a few handles of vodka, gin, whiskey, scotch and rum with mixers like club soda, tonic, ginger ale, Coke, Diet Coke and Sprite. Put the soft drinks in one cooler, the beer in another cooler and use yet another cooler for ice for the mixed drinks. Put trash cans out for recycling and trash. Make sure you have high ball glasses, old-fashioned glasses, wine glasses, cocktail napkins, limes and lemons readily available.
3. CLEAN. The day of the party, cue 80s cleaning montage. Make sure you have plenty of help. Dance in between cleaning sets like you’re a cast member of The Brady Bunch. You’re totally Marsha. Steal the spotlight from your little sister, Jan [Alice].
4. SET-UP. Place napkins, forks, plates and extra serving platters on the table for the appetizers. Set up the bar on two high-top tables. Cover with a tablecloth.
5. LET THEM EAT CAKE. Attempt making a boat cake with a 1947 Chris Craft as the brownie topping placed on blue-icing [the water] over a cookie layer.
6. DRESS. Dress the 60-year-old birthday man up as an escaped convict, disco king.
7. MUSIC. Plug in your favorite iPod mix to 1960s-1970s disco music.
8. CANINE CONTROL. Lock excited dogs up in the kennel until all of the guests arrive. This helps control barking, excessive tail-wagging and potential piddle from the floor. Once the guests have had a few drinks, let them pour love all over the crazy canines.
9. MEET AND GREET. Greet guests as they arrive. Point them in the direction of the bar and food. Make a beeline for the booze and food pushing all women and children out of your way. Think George Costanza in the Seinfeld episode, “The Fire.”
10. LET THE GOOD TIMES ROLL. Have a good time.