The Imaginary Hobo Who Lived in Our Basement
This post is dedicated to Sally Seaman. He was the imaginary hobo who lived in our basement in college. We always spoke of Sally with a lisp, Schally Schleamen. Because that’s how college kids roll. We speculate that Schally was male but he likes to cross dress so it kept us guessing! We also think he ate Lindsay Lohan and then up-chucked her into the jail bait she is today. Schally was a rather large individual.
Schally used to play all kinds of tricks on us in that house. He infested it with mice named Frankie I, Frankie II and Frankie III whose carcases we found after DECON-ating them during Thanksgiving break. Note to self: if you’re going to exterminate rodents, make sure you are present to pick up the leftovers.
He ate three, thousand-calorie Bagel & Deli sandwiches in one sitting, sandwiches that I happily brought home to share with my roommates. Schally had quite the appetite. He left a Jimmy John’s delivery boy in one of my housemates’ rooms. I suppose the Jimmy John’s guy didn’t taste as good as Lindsay.
He tortured my other two housemates with a jumping spider the size of a small child, but more like a demon child of the corn, as they describe it. Thanks, Schally for making me go to class that day. Otherwise, I would have never slept in that house again. Schally was one crazy hobo.
I’d probably be crazy, too, under those living conditions. That basement was one out of Saw movie. Not that I’ve ever seen a Saw movie because of my fear of murderers, but I imagine the basement is just as horrifying. It took all six housemates to go down there. We’d clutch each other crying, screaming the entire way down the formidable stairs, run in and sprint out. I don’t think I’ve ever screamed, cried and ran so fast. What we do to get the power switched back on so we could blow dry our hair. Beauty really is painful.
I got the chance to reunite with four of my housemates this past weekend. Don’t we look gorge? As in gorg-eous.
It was a great time and we definitely thought about Sally. Sally didn’t make it when we left the house. We’re pretty sure he choked on a Ben’s Roethlis-Burger from 45 East Bar & Grill. Poor Schally, never saw it coming.
In commemoration of our dear hobo, Schally, I whipped up some tomato au gratin. He loved a good, juicy ripe tomato. We’d always chuck tomatoes at him when he was hungry as he ate him whole. Thanks for reuniting us, Schally Scheaman. Enjoy these tomatoes via cheese, butter and breadcrumbs.
Tomato Au Gratin
- 2 c. bread crumbs
- 4 c. sliced fresh tomatoes
- 2 tsp. sugar
- 1 tsp. salt
- 1/3 tsp. dry mustard
- 1/2 tsp. paprika
- 2 c. grated cheddar cheese
- 1/4 c. butter, melted
Generously grease bottom and sides of a shallow casserole 10 inch size dish. Sprinkle about 1/3 of bread crumbs over bottom. Arrange 1/3 of the tomatoes on crumbs. Combine sugar, salt, paprika, dry mustard.
Sprinkle 1/3 of this mixture over tomatoes. Sprinkle 1/3 of cheese on top. Repeat layers. There should be three layers. Sprinkle melted butter over the top of last layer of bread crumbs before adding last layer of cheese.
Bake covered in preheated 375 degree oven about 30 minutes. Uncover and bake 10 minutes longer. Serves 4 to 6.