I have been eaten by a ravenous group of albino wallabies.
I got lost in my linen closet.
My dog ate my blog.
I got a round hairbrush stuck in my hair and it took days to get it out. (Hate it when that happens.)
The constipation is making my dog a walking time bomb.
My dad punched me during an overly competitive game of Taboo.
I sprained my wrist cooking a microwave dinner.
I feel like these are pretty legit excuses.
Truth is, the holidays swallowed me whole this year with a lil’ added gravy on top. Between being laid off, crying about the future unemployment, drinking too much vino over the upcoming unemployment, planning an epic Christmas party, shopping for gifts on a budget, and everything else that is Christmas, I had zero time to say hello to you all.
I am sorry. I will attempt to never let it happen again.
Do you forgive me?
My sister was pretty peeved. She needed holiday recipes like Paula Deen needed butter at a margarine convention. She punched me a few times because of it. I have black and blue marks shaped like George Washington on my upper arm. Bully.
In good news, I got a job! It’s like when Frank Shirley reinstated the Christmas bonus after he gave out Jellies of the Month Club and was kidnapped by Cousin Eddie. Except without the kidnapping. And the guy named Frank. And Cousin Eddie. And my name is not Clark W. Griswold.
In fantastically divine food news, I got a KITCHEN AID MIXER. You heard it hear folks. I am now the proud owner of the gloriously brilliant Kitchen Aid Mixer. Whoop-dee-tweedley-doo! It’s pretty exciting. I can now alternate the dry ingredients with the wet ingredients while the batter is mixing … who says miracles can’t happen? It is a miracle. A Christmas miracle.
In belated news, I would like to wish you and yours a Merry Christmas. A happy Hanukkah. A delightful kwanzaa. A glorious day off of work for the Jehovah’s. A Happy Birthday to Jesus. All of that and more. Hope the holidays put a little twinkle in your toes. A little sugar to your coffee. A little cherry to your sundae. A little jolly to your jingle.
I think you get it. Carry on now.