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Things to Do in Steamboat Springs

March 23, 2012

Steamboat Springs is a hop, skip and a jump from Charlotte, NC. Hop on a Delta flight to Atlanta. Skip over to Hayden, CO after downing a free beverage thanks to a pleasant flight attendant. Jump on a $50 shuttle (round trip) to The Lodge. While you’re there, do the following:

1. In lieu of a Christmas tree, dress up a dead deer carcass. They wouldn’t let us haul a Christmas tree on the free shuttle around town so had to make do with what we had. What we had was Bucky and Bucky had us.

2. Rent your skis from Black Tie Ski Rentals . The name is trickery as they don’t actually wear black ties, but they do come to your place of stay to fit you in boots, skis, poles, helmets, knee pads, elbow pads, mouth guards, shin guards, bullet proof vests, etc.

Pretend you're Picabo Street in the condo while wearing helmet, goggles and down coat.

3. Take a lesson at the Steamboat Ski & Snowboard School. Whether you are Lindsay Vonn or DunceSki MacGee, the instructors will give you the confidence you need to tackle that black diamond bunny slope.

Look at her go, boys! She is single.

4. Partake in Après Ski. Nearly every bar offers Happy Hour specials from 4 pm to 7 pm plus live music. After a long day of ripping up the slopes, a cold one goes down like Sade’s smooth operator. We hit up Slopeside Grill, The Truffle Pig and the Gondola Pub & Grill.

5. Go to the Tug Boat. Take the next day off. Stay out late. Wear Santa Hats. Dance with the band.

Pretend you are pirating a tugboat with your sistARGGHH-in-law

"The jolliest bunch of a-holes this side of the nut house." - Clark W Griswold

Yes, we are related.

6. Ski down the mountain with your poles on your head like they are antennas because you are easily entertained.

Watch out for creepers mocking you and thus, ruining a perfectly legitimate Facebook profile photo.

7. Take a picture of your ‘Puter Hub. Accidentally, chop off his head in the photo since you can’t balance on skis and take a photo at the same time.

Try again but watch out for the 1980s snow plower behind you!

8. Ski down Tomahawk. It’s like riding a caterpillar. If caterpillars were big enough to ride. Ski down Vagabond while singing the Metallica lyrics, “Nomad, Vagabond, call me what you will.” Whatever those lyrics mean. Don’t walk up Vagabond in your ski boots because you’re too chicken to go down it. I repeat, do. not. attempt. walking. up. Vagabond. You may wet your ski pants in embarrassment.

Ski down Giggle Gulch while bursting out the most hysterical cackle you can muster out of your lungs. Make sure your lungs hurt from said cackle. Make it loud. Be proud. Let the people stare. Let them wonder, “Is she OK?” It’s Steamboat after all.

What happens at the Boat, stays at the Boat.

Except if you post it on the Internet.

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